grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When are your genitals available?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
