textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
she peed on how many people?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
