but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
