Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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