Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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