Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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