Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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