I wish I only lived at night.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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