Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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