my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
