Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
