Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
