life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
