On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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