I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
