if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
