I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
