So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
