The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We're too hungover to prance.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
