The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
