I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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