you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
