i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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