my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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