Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
