his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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