so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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