Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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