Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
