It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
