My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
