and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
