sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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