I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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