I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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