used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
