i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
