Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
