I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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