i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
