For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
