There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
