Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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