can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
