the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
