went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
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I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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