I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
