I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
