is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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