that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
