I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Shame - the story of my life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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