My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
