well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My bed smells like the plague
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
