She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
