Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just want to make out with him forever
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
