ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
