In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
