my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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