the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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