Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
