Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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